Being alone here in France makes it just that much more
difficult. In some ways I think we should have waited until September to move
to Paris. That way the girls could have finished out the whole school year, we
could have spent more time with family & friends and enjoying our
newly-remodeled house. We could have had more time to prepare (as if you can
ever fully prepare!), and would have come in at the beginning of the school year with all the other new families. But I tend to forget how rough it was to have Sean living
in another country and only able to come home for 1 week each month, and how my
social life had already dwindled. When you are on your own, the invitations
don’t flow your way as much, and you don’t feel like entertaining at your house
on your own. I had a view of what life would be like as a single parent, and
it’s not too bright when everyone around you is all coupled up. Note to self –
divorce will not be fun! :-)
Moving to Paris in the middle of the school year has proven
tougher than I imagined – for me. The girls have had no problem sliding right
into life here! I have met so many wonderful and fun people here, but all the
groups have already been established since the beginning of school and
sometimes it feels like I’m intruding. I know that’s probably just me feeling
that way, as everyone has been very welcoming, but there it is. The friends I
spent time with at home have been my friends for many years, and I forgot how
hard it can be to make new, close ones. And here, we don’t have the luxury of
time as people move in and out due to work all the time. My friends at home
know me so well, I always feel comfortable being exactly who I am. Here sometimes
I feel like I am on a job interview – worrying that I’m on my best behavior,
saying the right things, trying to get people to understand who I am, hoping
not to feel like the odd woman out. Again, I know it’s just me as everyone here
is very nice and wonderful. Most of the time I am fine and having a blast, but sometimes it just feels hard and I feel alone - especially with Sean gone so much.
At home we had plans most weekends with friends. Either
going out to dinner, a bar, a movie, over to someone’s house for burritos &
dominoes, or having people to our house. Here we are much more insular on the
weekends and I miss hanging with friends. Howard House made it so easy to have
people over any time we wanted. The nice, open kitchen, large family room, pool
in the backyard, separate space for the kids – plenty of room for people to
come eat, play and hang out. Chez Way here in France is not as amenable to
having people over – the main living space is much smaller, and the kitchen is
tiny and removed from the family room. All this makes it harder to hang with
and cook for friends. We need to get better about dealing with it and figuring
out a way around. Things here are similar to home – not very many people invite
others to their houses for dinner (or whatever), and since there are no real
“bars” in the ‘burbs, if we want to hang with friends, we will have to invite
them over here.
I also miss our parties. Man I used to love throwing
parties. Not sure I’ll ever get to that here (due to space and missing
ingredients), so just another thing to miss.
Sean keeps asking me why I’m so bummed out right now and I
don’t have a straight answer. If I did, I could figure out how to deal with it
and move on. Part of it is the family situation I mentioned above, but I know
that’s not the whole story as I did most of my grieving at the beginning of the
month. Part of it is the fact that I’m annoyed with myself for being such a
sensitive wuss about making friends here, I’m disappointed in myself that I
have not done the language learning I had promised myself I would & my
French sucks, and I’m tired of being injured and not being able to figure out a way
to workout and not get hurt. The possible future I’m facing is freaking me out
as well. R&C have informed me that they do not want to go back to the US
for high school. They would like to move to another country after 6th
grade (so many of their friends here have lived all over the world), and then
maybe come back to ASP for high school. On the one hand I am so happy to hear
this. I am so proud of how flexible and quick to adjust they are, and that they
can see the benefits of their current life. The school here is great and the
opportunities they will have are just amazing. On the other hand I am freaked
to think I might not return home to my family, friends & beloved house any
time soon. Sean’s work is going well, the kids are happy - I think I’m the only
one who misses home so much. I know I can’t think that far into the future as
who knows how things will change each year, but it’s wild to think we could be
living in Europe for the next 7 years!
Sorry that this post is not full of fun, happy news. We are
off to a bbq tonight and going to a private party on a boat on the Seine
tomorrow night (I know – what he h*** am I so down about!), so I’m sure I will
snap out of my funk, become re-energized and ready to embrace this experience.
Allow me this moment of weakness – I’ll write about the wonders of living in
France soon enough!
